Thursday, July 27th 2023: I want to stop pressuring myself to do so much

 Today I canceled a job interview for an internal transfer within my company.  I thought maybe I wanted to work full time, but I was beginning to feel incredibly stressed, even tearful, thinking about how I was going to manage.  Right now I have two part time jobs, two kids, and am trying to focus on my health too.  I work 30 hours a week total while managing anxiety and bipolar disorder and taking care of my family.  I don't want to work 40+ hours a week right now, or even ever.  Work is too miserable for me sometimes to do that to myself.  I don't like work enough to spend time from my family and dedicate all my time to it if I can help it.

I WANT TO SAY: I'M ENOUGH.  I DO ENOUGH.  I need to stop pressuring myself to make more money, do more things.  I don't need to put myself through all this.  I don't need to push myself this hard.

I am proud of myself because I'm doing more than people ever thought possible of me back when I was having all of my mental health crisis.  Today I'm going to focus on getting some household things done like errands, and then see my friend who will visit us.

These are my things I AM DOING GREAT AT:

• I lost almost 10 pounds these past few months through diet and some exercise
• I am maintaining two jobs I do well -- gotten great feedback from coworkers and supervisors
• I am accommodating my mother-in-law at home while my parents are on vacation, who are not having to worry at all about me because I am well
• I am maintaining a happy marriage with my husband
• I am helping care for my two baby daughters who are both perfectly happy and healthy
• I have been running errands, cooking, doing laundry (most of the time)
• I am WINNING even if I don't always feel like it

I am SICK of putting myself down and I need to stop that.  I AM:

• Incredibly kind
• Ambitious but able to ground myself into realistic thinking more than ever
• Smart, capable
• Creative, artistic
• Responsible
• Fun and with excellent humor
• Very, very likable and lovable 
• Grateful for all I have
• Self-aware of areas to improve

I'm going to allow myself to relax and stop overthinking my future.  Next step is canceling the advising appointment I have to take classes towards nursing.  Because I NEED TO STOP ADDING MORE TO MY PLATE.

It's okay to just be me.  I'm enough.